The Dream

The House is set up
The dishes are done, there are blankets on the couch
The popcorn is popped, the floors clean
but yet you are not here
There is a dog asleep in the chair
jazz from the speakers
friends are speaking in the kitchen
but yet you are not here
The bed large with with a cotton plaid bedspread
The air is cool and breezy
The room is dark
but yet you are not here
Just the shadow of things that will never be

Tire Swing - Kimya Dawson (from Juno)

Anyone Else But You - Michael Cera and Ellen Page

Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova - Falling Slowly

"I am here not because I have to be, not because I feel captive in this situation,
 but because I'd rather be with you than being in any other place in the entire world."

Les Claypool - Long in the Tooth (Live)

James-Out to get You

'm so alone tonight
My bed feels larger than when I was small
Lost in memories
Lost in all the sheets and old pillows
So alone tonight
Miss you more than I will let you know
Miss the outline of your back
Miss you breathing down my neck
They're all out to get you
Once again they are all out to get you
Once again
Insecure, what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what is need
What I need (X4)
Is you
I need you
Looked in the mirror, I don't know who I am anymore
The face is familiar
But the eyes, the eyes give it all away
They're all out to get you
Once again they're all out to get you
Here they come again (X8)
Insecure what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what I need
What I need (X8)
Is you (X6)
If you let me breathe (X5)
They're all out to get you
Once again
To get you
Once again

Sarah McLachlan - Do What You Have To Do (lyrics)

Sarah McLachlan - Fallen

Some strange things about being homeless

I think the weirdest thing that happened was the day I went without a shoe-so I had the hop on the bus pretending that my foot was broken until I could get another shoe.  This happened in Springfield Missouri.

Also when I was riding the greyhound from Las Vegas to Springfield-these black church ladies accused me of being on drugs because I had cried so hard. They told the man giving me a ride to my former roommates house that I was going to knife him in the car. Funny how people judge.
My ex went through the cycle of attacking me again and trying to get me back this week although-this could apply to My earlier stories.  Unfortunately, there is no moving out of state this time for a clean break.
  

A beautiful day

Ah finally spring here. Just suffering through boys and money still. I guess the nice guy did not work out-he was looking at me as an object anyways-always referring to things as in the third person. He mostly would just talk about how interested he was in the fetish ball and then when it did not work out-I have not heard from him since. Then a mild fake stint of religious fervor.Now my baby's daddy is trying to get me to move back in. I have not seen a build up of the outbursts and attacks, but it is scary to think what could happen next.

 Somebody not attacking you YET should not be a litmus test for a decision.
Yaaa for  Stockholm syndrome.
Yep and then there is money.  Weber State wants me to testify in court what my assets are, but I don't have any-so there is nothing to stress about.

http://bpd.about.com/od/livingwithbpd/tp/tenwaystocope.htm

Wed

Things are improving.
I met a  nice guy-he does not call much.  
Getting to know some people at work better.
Getting to know my neighbors better.
I just need to concentrate an enjoy one thing at a time.
Each dream, each cup of coffee, each movie, each song, each customer
each activity with the kids, each date, each conversation 

Monday

Typical. software crashed out at work again. (client systems, not employer). which would be mildly bearable if boss1 was not asking why I had been in client system issues and boss 2 was not making comments about me needing a number (which was in the tool that that was broken).  We had papers with numbers on them, but those were removed.
Lovely night with the kids-we had salads with fruit and chicken. Listening to music and replying to all my electronic stuff. Listening to Late Night on AOL which is always perfect and down tempo and plays across genres. Tomorrow, the kids dad will pick them up for a rare weekday off and I will sit down with my bosses instead of telling people I'm selling them to the gypsies.

Friday

I'm so exhausted.  So much to do, so many letters to turn in and phone calls to return.I'm just going to lay here and watch An Affair to Remember-I hope nobody calls me or comes over.
yesterday I had taken my kids for a walk and I watched them play in the park. Just as we are getting settled down with dinner (OK they were having waffles and I was having left over Chinese food from work.), my Mormon friend comes over-I've been hanging out at the church-but the last few weeks I just want to drink coffee and beer and go to really good concerts-aka be a coffee house intellectual again.  Have coffee and beer with my friends-watch Documentaries.  I was a friend of Unitarian Church for 10 years-and they have a lesbian preacher, and atheists and agnostics and a pagan club and gay couples-I love that- and I know I can go to both churches.  But like I said I think i still cling to the dream that I can have the life with the monogamous "cool" live in boyfriend or friend with benefits. Have all my liberal beliefs and celebrate them-just keep on being a hippie, but in real life the friends and relationships in the past have been fleeting. No one really comes over and hangs out anymore-the pictures and ticket stubs look great, but the second we all get the flu I get dumped in a horrible manor. If I need help when I have surgery or with a move-no one helps.Everybody is just a drinking friend and I want more than that in life.

Before Sunrise: The space between

Before Sunrise (1995) - one of the best film scenes ever

Best part of Before Sunrise

Say Anything (1989)

Yup, I don't think that John Cusack will be standing outside of my bedroom with a boombox anytime soon, so I better concentrate on taking care of myself and not worry about the furture,

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/t/t_s_eliot.html#ixzz1GdXJ4wbP

Sigh

Part of me thinks I should start dating again, but I can't deal with the constant drama. The expectations, the criticism.Having to shave my legs.   I remember when I first started dreaming about dating it was picturing reading  a book cuddled around someone. Going out to eat at coffee shops.Umm out to breakfast.  Not the family and friends thinking I was not good enough or the roommates getting involved.  I don't even want to think about the police coming over-the social workers asking questions.  I would rather hold onto my dream-I picture a Shel Silverstein picture of the old man soaking his feet in dreams. Someone who can make me laugh and listens to something besides top 40. But I'm enjoying much more making new friends, spending time with my kids, settling down in my new life-the rest is unrealistic dream

Harold And Maude - Flower Scene

Romeo and Juliet - I'm Kissing you

I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived.
Willa Cather

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/willa_cather.html#ixzz1GASldTVA

Poem I published in college

I hear you breathing next to me and I know some of the fear can leave.
You've come home early tonight, maybe you'll be sober enough,
so I can tell you how I took the baby for a walk and the fall colors were so beautiful.
I missed You
.
Someday I'll leave you.
Someday, but for now I listen to you breathe