Feeling Guilty

I tried online dating because I had been in a no-label relationship with my friend and I just wanted to meet someone out of my group of friends. The first date and only date I picked went well-he said he was looking for a relationship and that I seemed very cool. He asked about some things that were usually deal breakers for other people he dated and asked what I was looking for in a relationship. He came by 3 days in a row and I said hey next week when you stop by we should be more physical and he agreed. So that Friday comes and right before he’s supposed to come over he says his sister just got out of surgery and he needs to take care of her and then he says he can stop by after she goes bed, then he says he has a headache and then he randomly showed up at 11 pm and things got physical. Later in the weekend he says I had to take my sister to the ER all night -she gets anaphylactic shock 3 times a month and has to go to the ER and on Sunday he said I’m going to stop by after I take a nap and come after-so I cancelled an Oscar’s Get together, and told 3 people not to stop by my house-4 hours later I sent a text saying my door is open if you’re stopping by he never shows up. 17 hours later Monday morning-he sends a sorry I overslept yesterday-how did you sleep text? I’m like terrible-but I’m trying not to overreact. He offers to come that night, but when I mention I have my kids I don’t hear from him and I get a few texts through out the week. I’m blocked from his facebook, have never been to his house and he says he has family responsibilities and can’t call and text. We mildly knew each other in high school. So Friday at work I get a text that says-I’m sorry my baby nephew just died, but I’d like to see you on Saturday. Something bothered me, so I told him later that night I don’t want to date you any more-something seems off-he got extremely angry and said that I was a horrible person who didn’t support his family responsibilities and he wouldn’t want to date me again even if I changed my mind. Part of me feels guilty, but everybody says I dodged a bullet.

Gonzo stops taxi - The Great Muppet Caper

Erykah Badu - Window Seat

Posed Perfection: Hamburger Potato Casserole

Posed Perfection: Hamburger Potato Casserole: One of my favorite meals growing up was the Hamburger Helper Potato Stroganoff. That may put off some of you gourmet types out there, but ...

Many Thanks William M. Criss

In Passing

I passed our old house on Sunday;
As I drove, alone, I marveled,
struck by sharp, but quiet, pain
and fleeting scenes,
like a mental diary
whose gates have been crashed by a flood...

I saw a place where I had lived for years
with a family of promise,
unaware of a coming split,
and believing that a thing can last...

I had walked intimately
with every blade of grass
I'd mowed in that yard,
and could still see images
of midnight snacks
in that secure kitchen...

I live through it yet
on some deep level,
as I roam through rooms
of children s laughter
pealing like the echo of life,
and reel in this moment
for aching loss...

But mostly, like these words,
these things just bind themselves together
with all the other stories in the past.
Rest and trust.
Pick it up and read it.
Let it go.
Let it roll away.....

William M. Criss III July 3rd 2011

KT Tunstall - "The Boys of Summer" (Live - WFUV at The Living Room)

Depeche Mode - It's no good (Live in Germany)

Four Weddings and a Funeral - "Funeral Blues"

Ryan Adams w. Laura Marling - Oh my sweet Carolina

Back -just with bionic parts

Well, I broke my knee on the fourth of July. Just recovering and letting the pain go from terrible to annoyance. Lots of TV watching and memoir reading including the  Glass Castle and Mennonite in  a Black Dress. I have a boyfriend who does Everything as I recover, but he's just 22 and grew up in a house big on animals and low on the cleaning supplies. Watched the Opening Ceremony tonight-the worst one ever, but so nice to see all the countries coming through sans politics.

The Dream

The House is set up
The dishes are done, there are blankets on the couch
The popcorn is popped, the floors clean
but yet you are not here
There is a dog asleep in the chair
jazz from the speakers
friends are speaking in the kitchen
but yet you are not here
The bed large with with a cotton plaid bedspread
The air is cool and breezy
The room is dark
but yet you are not here
Just the shadow of things that will never be

Tire Swing - Kimya Dawson (from Juno)

Anyone Else But You - Michael Cera and Ellen Page

Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova - Falling Slowly

"I am here not because I have to be, not because I feel captive in this situation,
 but because I'd rather be with you than being in any other place in the entire world."

Les Claypool - Long in the Tooth (Live)

James-Out to get You

'm so alone tonight
My bed feels larger than when I was small
Lost in memories
Lost in all the sheets and old pillows
So alone tonight
Miss you more than I will let you know
Miss the outline of your back
Miss you breathing down my neck
They're all out to get you
Once again they are all out to get you
Once again
Insecure, what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what is need
What I need (X4)
Is you
I need you
Looked in the mirror, I don't know who I am anymore
The face is familiar
But the eyes, the eyes give it all away
They're all out to get you
Once again they're all out to get you
Here they come again (X8)
Insecure what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what I need
What I need (X8)
Is you (X6)
If you let me breathe (X5)
They're all out to get you
Once again
To get you
Once again

Sarah McLachlan - Do What You Have To Do (lyrics)

Sarah McLachlan - Fallen

Some strange things about being homeless

I think the weirdest thing that happened was the day I went without a shoe-so I had the hop on the bus pretending that my foot was broken until I could get another shoe.  This happened in Springfield Missouri.

Also when I was riding the greyhound from Las Vegas to Springfield-these black church ladies accused me of being on drugs because I had cried so hard. They told the man giving me a ride to my former roommates house that I was going to knife him in the car. Funny how people judge.
My ex went through the cycle of attacking me again and trying to get me back this week although-this could apply to My earlier stories.  Unfortunately, there is no moving out of state this time for a clean break.